I still remember how it felt like – that last walk, on that last afternoon.

It was the 13th of November 2008, and my final paper had just ended. I recall the euphoric rush that came with the conclusion of my final examinations, made all the sweeter because my exam schedule had allowed me to end at the earliest possible time. But as I made my way out of school, along the familiar path beside the astro turf, I was struck by a feeling quite strange, all of a sudden.

Something was different. I couldn’t place my finger on what exactly, but I was sure of it. It stirred me enough that I stopped there, along the pavement, and turned around, looking for some new fauna, pruned trees, or something like that to explain this sense of ‘difference’.

But then, it hit me. As I turned around and saw the building where I had spent the past 3 years in; the grounds I had been part of for the last 6, and the happy boarders playing soccer on the turf, it hit me. It felt different because I was done. With the writing of that final word on my English A1 Paper 2 script; the return of that final script into the examiner’s hands, my business with the school was done. From that point on, I was no longer a student, and I no longer belonged.

Yea, I recall the feeling. It resembled sadness. It resembled pain. It hurt.

But I guess that’s life.

This all made a lot of sense, but I still had not made the connection to the word “hate.” Eventually I made the connection when I found this website. The author summed up his reason for creating the site and his dislike of women in one simple sentence: “I hate women because I want their attention and they won’t give me any.” So what a misogynist truly loves is the shallow image of women that exists only in one’s mind and is illustrated in society in such things as pornography or mainstream media that espouses that ideal. The hatred is directed at real women, for not living up to a misogynist’s expectations of women being easy to control and for not providing adequate stimulation for men’s interest.

Po sent me this excerpt awhile back and asked me what I thought. A couple of interesting ideas are brought up here, and in the chance that my readers have comments on this, i put it up. Cheers.

Books of the Week

Lewis, C.S., The Screwtape Letters, (London: HarperOne, 2001)

Sen, Amartya, The Idea of Justice, (London: Allen Lane, 2009)

Zamoyski, Adam, 1812: Napoleon’s Fatal March, (London: Harper Perennial, 2005)

The ESV Study Bible, (Illinois: Crossway, 2008)

Books of the Upcoming Week

Carpenter, Humphrey, J.R.R. Tolkein: A Biography, (London: Mariner, 2000)

Min, Anchee, Becoming Madame Mao, (London: Harcourt, 2000)

Sen, Amartya, The Idea of Justice, (London: Allen Lane, 2009)

The ESV Study Bible, (Illinois: Crossway, 2008)

1) Christians are not called to live by a ‘higher’ set of morals, nor should they be under pressure/obligation to conduct themselves in a manner ‘better’ than the rest. We have nothing to prove, and in any case these are not for us to judge in (perceived) superiority. Christians have weaknesses, insecurities, and inadequacies like any other human being; the difference lies in that we have God to entrust all these to, and to make up for them. It does us good to be reminded of that daily, and to live with that perspective.

2) God cannot be stereotyped, psychoanalysed, nor ‘figured out’. His responses can never be expected nor preconceived. It does us good, therefore, not to give up retreating into His arms, seeking His consult on matters etc., because He will always provide the best possible solution, the one that best meets our needs at that particular point. He is the Father that loves us, and that love makes him most wonderfully (and graciously) UNpredictable. Honesty, humility and pliability are the only requirements on our part.

3) Hanging around ‘fed’ and ‘healthy’ Christians for too long may actually be detrimental to one’s faith.

Being gloomy, emo, down and out ain’t cool.

So I’m done with that.

Pity I’m done with my ‘holidays’ too.

The past 4-5 weeks have been quite a living hell.

I’m not quite sure how to articulate it,

but suffice to say

I’ve had to confront (in a most unpleasant manner)

various things in my life:

Core Values

Belief Systems

Paradigms

Worldviews

that I had formerly taken for granted.

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Couple that with the writer’s soldier’s block that severely impairs one’s powers of thought/introspection, and yeah. you can perhaps begin to understand my state of grief.

and despair.

i guess i should be grateful though, that im beginning to see some sort of light. beginning.

please let it not be illusory.

which I will really get down to reflecting upon, sometime very soon (watch this space)

Christians, with regards to their passion for the kingdom of God, tend to live somewhere within the following spectrum. Looking at the diagram, where would you consider yourself to be?

This question got me thinking long and hard for various reasons. I didn’t expect it to have such an impact.

Which is why I really have to buckle myself down and ponder,

on another day when I don’t have to wake up early for church the next morning.

Today, Kenneth finally got down to signing up for a driving course.

I miss the good ol’ days when I could sit back and ponder the mysteries (and many idiosyncrasies) of life. And have friends to toss these ideas over with. When weekends were moments of leisurely rest, hustled not by the prospect of the MONSTROUS BEHEMOTH Book-In COMING FOR YOU, that makes one reluctant to indulge in (even the most pleasurable/worthwhile of) activities because of its inevitable opportunity cost.

Yes, I am most unhappy about my present position.

Hide/deny it, I shall not.

Rectify/resolve it, I can not.

Yes, I am most unhappy about my present position.

Looking back, it seems that nearly a full 20 weeks have passed since my enlistment in the military. 139 days, to be precise. To be perfectly honest, it has not been easy on me. It has been a constant battle: trying to find meaning, motivation and purpose whilst I’m dressed in green. And each time I re-enter civilisation, the poignant realisation of what was taken from me since the day of enlistment, hits me like a tidal wave. And while there are better days when I am able to stay positive and upbeat, these moments are getting increasingly rare; and because my chore becomes at best bearable during these moments of reprieve, I find myself descending further and further into a spiral of despair as time passes.

You see, it’s not the punishments, the discipline, or even the physical training that gets at me. It’s the sense of  being in limbo, as I’ve explained to some of my closer friends. As hard as I try, I cannot help but feel that 22 months of what many consider the prime years of one’s life have been taken away, and chucked into meaningless void. Four (coming to five) months have passed, and honestly I can remember very little of what has happened. Some friends share how only specific events remain in recollection; I cannot even allege that. I lament that the world’s flying by while we remain in stasis.

I say stasis because it is difficult to see how the things one achieves in here – all the ranks, accolades, achievements, military skills and expertise – can benefit one after we’ve served our time, and gotten back to life outside. The regulars that have spent donkey years in here bear testament to that. After decades in service, many hold on to the maturity of someone far younger. One looks at them, and sees how it is possible for one to grow old but never grow up. It is amusing or saddening, depending on where one sees it from. The military is a bubble that shields one from the realities of the outside world. It is similar to a school in that sense, but at least the education one receives at school opens doors to future prospects and opportunities. When one leaves the army, one is grateful if one hasn’t fallen too far behind.

They say we have no choice. They say this is the cost of independence. If we are to remain free, we have to fight for ourselves. And to fight for ourselves, we need a force, formed from our own people because we have not the resources to sustain a hired army. Well, granted. There is little one can say about that, but (especially in recent months) I have privately considered the implications, and (consequently) the real importance of our sovereign independence. I find it an interesting question to consider, perhaps something every citizen needs to think through for his/her ownself. For just as financial preponderance and security cannot be taken for granted, the relevance and place for ideological bricks need too be carefully evaluated, at least periodically.